Hope When
Everything Seems Hopeless
By Dennis Browne
Ever had one of those days, one of those weeks?
Where it seems potholes jump out of nowhere?
On your road to recovery, to healthy living?
Life was so grand and going so smoothly
And then all of a sudden “life happened” .
Old habits returned.
Old memories reappeared.
Tormented … you can’t shake your past.
Yes, seems like that horrid past has returned.
Again.
Hopelessness.
I’ve been there. Was like I was in a big ravine with no
escape.
No trail in sight to bring me back to peace and quiet.
Roots tangling my every step forward.
At the beginning of my recovery journey, seems like I would
be in this state of mind monthly, at least.
This recovery stuff seemed hopeless.
I would make what would seem like progress, of dealing with
my past.
Of making strides towards wholeness.
Only to be pulled back.
Into the abyss of shame.
Into the bunker I survived in for decades.
Dark and lonely.
My hope had vanished.
Poof.
Month after month I would slide back.
Or so it seemed.
Tired and defeated I wondered what the use was.
Of this recovery stuff.
My old life, maybe, was just fine.
What is “hope” anyways?
A life I was used to.
Living day to day.
Or rather surviving, day to day.
Was good enough.
Upon reflection I looked back at the life I had come from,
lived through, and survived.
Decision time. Give up, or push on?
My choice.
Doesn’t healing always come down to a choice?
I ran back to my recovery group.
Ran Fast, too.
The place where I had at least made a tiny step toward a
full life
I realized I had no clue what Hope truly was
I sure knew what a life was with the lack of Hope
Hopelessness
No one taught me what Hope was
How to “Hope” for something
How to drem.
I was so busy running from hopelessness
That feeling of uselessness, unwanted, no-good-scoundrel
Dummy, insignificant
Hopelessness I knew
What is hope anyways?
Took me nearly a year of recovery before asking this
question.
Are you at that point, too? Never being taught what hope is?
Before I had hope, I was always looking back
Back at the daemons that chased me daily, nightly
Always looking back at my failures
Always back at the emotional pain of my abuse
What I found out was that hope was found in what I could
become
I could become someone that was fulfilled
Someone that made a difference.
Valued.
Wow, I could make a difference? News to me.
Was special. Was cherished.
I knew this because someone told me.
Someone described what my future “could be”.
If I put the work in.
And held on, to that hope.
Held on with all my life.
That someone said this with such certainty
Such confidence
I chose to believe
I trusted.
He was my hope.
He knew my name.
He believed in me.
He believed in what I could become.
I liked that.
From that day on I held onto what he said.
I held onto that hope
Looking towards him, instead of back at my past.
Focused on Hope
Hope was alive in me.
Truth be told, he said his Hope was anchored in someone,
too.
In the great “I Am”. The “Alpha and the Omega”.
Rock solid, never changing, going nowhere.
I anchored in Him too, as time went by.
I was no good at this, at first.
Slipping all the time, it seemed.
Focusing on hope, meant letting go of what was behind me
I focused on one day at a time
When I thought the road ahead was to, to long
I looked down
Looked down at the one step I was taking that week, that
day.
Progress.
Sure I backslid
Fell down and regressed
I would give myself a break.
Grace.
But back up I would get
Focused on Hope
Focused on healing
My hope would never be drowned out by my past life
My life of hopelessness
I was focused on what that person who had hope in me
described.
A life for me that was whole, a whole spirit, a whole heart.
Healed.
I give myself grace when I loose hold of hope and fall.
Knowing that Hope always had a hold of me.
Do you have someone
you trust in?
Someone that believes in you, and what you can and will
become?
If not search for that person. That person of hope.
Can’t find one? … well you have found one in me.
If you have read this far, shows me you are on track.
I will be that person.
There is hope when all seems hopeless.
Focus and act on the hope that is in front of you.
It will be hard.
Cling to that Hope and never let go.
Hope will never disappoint.
Dennis Browne
FB: @dennis.browne.14
IG: @debrowne
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