It
was a Sunday evening, I was in the kitchen doing the dishes. Caitlin
was in the family room playing with toys. The stereo was on and the
following song was being sung by Geoff Moore:
There is a place more precious than any other,
this side of heaven’s door.
A place where we love one another,
a shelter in time of storm.
And though it’s a treasure, this home’s not forever,
I long for the life that’s waiting beyond.
Where no one will ever be hungry or cold,
no one will hurt or will ever grow old.
No one will die and leave someone alone,
that’s when I’ll know I’m home.
There is a place where truth will always be spoken,
and promises can be delivered.
A place where your heart can’t be broken,
and loved ones will never leave.
So if you are longing for a place of belonging,
the home you’ve dreamed of is waiting for you.
Where no one will ever be hungry or cold,
no one will hurt or will ever grow old.
No one will die and leave someone alone,
that’s when I’ll know I’m home.
Forever no pain or disease,
all will be equal, and all will be free.
True love will come, and we’ll fall at His feet,
that’s when I’ll know I’m home.
And finally I’ll see with the darkness erased,
not through a glass, but then face to face,
And that’s when I’ll know I’m home,
that’s when I’ll know I’m home.
All will be equal, and all will be free,
that’s when I’ll know I’m home.
True love will come, and we’ll fall to our knees,
that’s when I’ll know I’m home.
When
the song was finished Caitlin looked up at me with tears in her eyes.
“I don’t want to go to heaven”, she said, “That song scares me. I don’t
want to leave you.” With tears flowing out of her six year old eyes I
went over to comfort her. I held her tight for several minutes then told
her how that song was about how nice it will be in heaven. I said you
see the tears you are crying right now, well you will never have sad
tears like that ever again when you are living in heaven with the Lord.
Everybody is happy and no one is sad at all in God’s kingdom. It’s OK, I
assured her. I understand why it is a little scary. I don’t want to
leave you either. But you know what?, after our life here on earth, you
and I will be together in heaven.
I just held her and wiped her tears away. It was a real special moment for me and her. A moment planned by God, that I am sure.
Three
days later on Wednesday morning, March 29, Uncle Paul died in a car
accident. Three days later Uncle Paul went to heaven to be with the
Lord. Life as I was to know it would not be the same again.
I can remember that morning like it was yesterday. These are my memories:
Phone call from grandpa at work
Paul has died …
I felt crushed, I was numb, torn apart, life like I knew it for the past 34 years had changed.
This couldn’t be, this can’t be happening, this isn’t fair.
What about all that was left undone for Paul.
Kids, marriage, adventure, so much more life to live.
Paul, life is not supposed to end this way, why you?, why you? Why not someone else?
Oh Paul, why did you have to go this way? Why? Why? Why?
I want to say good bye. Why so soon?
I
can remember the last words I had with Paul. It was on Sunday evening. I
had called him to tell him that we were going to have another child, we
were going to fill that empty bedroom with another little baby. Rissa.
We talked about what was going on. How families are neat. I asked him
how he was doing. He said it was going a little rough. He said his job
was up in the air. His social life was challenging. Life could be
better.
I
then asked him how his spiritual life was. He said that was OK. I said
well, that is what’s important. One out of three is pretty good.
Those
were my last words with him. A fifteen minute conversation. To the
point. Personal. But so important. Paul knew where he was going for
eternity.
I
remember leaving that morning from work to go home. Walking to the
parking lot to come home I felt like I was leaving half my life behind.
Paul was not here anymore. In tears I drove home, broken. But a mile
later as I got on the freeway a calm just flooded over me. “Paul was OK.
Paul is OK. Paul is in a better place now. Paul is in a safe place.
Paul is in a calm place. Paul is in heaven with Me. Paul is in a place
that he knew he was going to go to someday. Remember what you talked
with him about last Sunday? Paul was prepared. He did not know that his
time was up, but he was prepared. I will take care of Paul and I will
take care of you.” As God spoke to my soul I still hurt, real bad. But
it was my hurt. Paul was not hurting anymore, forever.
Peace
I leave you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world
gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
John 14:27
I
was coming home. Coming home for comfort. Coming home to cry. Coming
home to be with my family. As I drove up into the driveway, Caitlin came
running to my car. With tears in her eyes
she
said “Daddy, Uncle Paul has died. Your brother Paul was killed. He’s in
heaven just like the song from the other night says. He’s not crying
anymore.” We embraced and held each other as I said “That’s right
Caitlin, that’s right honey.” Mommy and Tyler came out and we all cried
together for the loss of Uncle Paul.
Family
is so important to me and I want to protect my children and comfort
them. In this moment it was Caitlin who was comforting me. I knew this
comfort coming from Caitlin was from the Lord himself. It was as if the
Lord used that song from a few days before to draw Caitlin and I
together and talk about what heaven is really like. He was preparing us
for things to come a few days later. She went from being frightened one
evening to assuring me of where my brother was, in heaven, a few days
later. The Lord sure is good.
Tyler’s
first question to me was “Why did Uncle Paul have to die?” A question
that I could not answer. I held him tight and said I did not know, I did
not know. Some things in life we don’t have answers to. In those time
we need to hold onto the one thing we do know, we need to hold onto
Jesus. I don’t know why Uncle Paul had to die, but one thing I do know,
that is Uncle Paul had no doubt about where he was going after did die.
That I do know! That’s the good news, Tyler.
Life
is an adventure that the Lord blessed us with. As with any adventure
there is a lot of uncertainty, that is the exciting part. Of course some
of that uncertainty is scary, sad, and really, really hurts. But just
as the adventure that the Pilgrim’s went on in coming to America, there
will be storms of life, that is guaranteed. In those time we need to
cling to the truth that we know won’t change. The truth we know that
promises to be by our sides in good time as well as bad. Jesus says that
he would leave us with peace, His peace. Do not be afraid.
It
was this peace that the Lord covered me with as I drove home from work
with a heavy heart. As I came home it was the Lords peace that came
through Caitlin’s words and Mommy’s hugs and comforted me. Even though
loosing Uncle Paul hurts, through this adventure I found a real living
faith in the Lord Jesus Christ can carry me when I can’t walk, can
comfort me when I am hurting. I grew closer to Mom, Caitlin and Tyler
and shared tears together that binded us closer as a family instead of
tearing us apart.
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